Why did I pick up this
book?
My husband and I have some problems. I have been told that
we would work on us and that we would get help. I feel that some of the things
said between us were emotionally abusive, deceitful and I resent him a lot of
times. In addition to that, I know that he resents me many times and that he
feels emotionally abused as well and has stated that he feels like he cannot
trust me after I signed papers for divorce.
Although I have a hunch that a lot of this book is talking
about cheating, I feel that it will still apply in most cases, our case
included.
The first thing I learned:
Spillover
There is always spillover in stress, be it work stress or
home life stress. A lot of times people aren’t able to function the same,
unable to go back to their normal levels of caring and not just in their
intimate relationship, but with their kids and even friends as well. Sometimes
the victim (for lack of a better
word) can feel unloved and unworthy of being loved. A lot of times they can have
long periods of depression, anger, resentment, anxiety.
This is how I really feel. I never realized how normal this
was. But it explains a lot. It explains why I am so angry all the time, why he
is so angry all the time. I am depressed. I am angry. I am resentful. I am
anxious. He is too. I see it. These things can be explained because of many
past interactions of hurt, deceit and emotional abuse.
But how do we get over it? I want to get over it. I can’t
live me life like this. It also makes sense for my life with anyone else I have
ever interacted with in this angry, anxious, resentful way.
My parents, for example. I love them, they are very good to
me. I was never abused, I never went without clothing, food, heat or housing.
But I feel that I wasn’t encouraged to do things in life. I don’t feel that I
was ever told I was beautiful. I was rarely told that I was loved. Not that
they didn’t love me, because they did but they never said it much. I remember
never hearing that they loved each other, never seeing them hug or kiss. I can
probably count on my fingers and toes the amount of times I was told “I love
you,” and seeing that I am 35 this is really sad. Why do I lash out angerly at
them? Resent them? They drive an hour and a half one way to care for our
daughter when we really need them. They pay for so much for us when we spend
the day with them, and don’t ever ask us to pay our share. They put up the
money for our house so we could afford to buy the things we needed for it and
so we could be okay over the summer when my husband doesn’t work much due to
his profession. They are good people and good parents. But I act so horribly to
them.
If you ask my friends who I am they will tell you things
like “fun,” “funny,” “loyal,” “sweet,” “kind,” “lovable.” If you ask my husband
or daughter or parents, they have a different story. How can I be a totally
different person with my friends? I guess it’s because the old saying is true,
the ones that can make you the most angry are the ones you love the most.
I suppose I am more angry at my husband because I have a
hard time letting go of the hurt because I love him so much. I feel such deep
hurt that I have a hard time. I have a hard time letting go of anger at my
parents for not showing me the love and support as a kid that I wanted. I am
angry at my daughter because when she was a baby, she didn’t attach to me the
way I wanted. I had to have a c-section and couldn’t hold her right away. Her
first smile was at my husband. She cried less with him. She seemed to love him
more, she still says it many times that he is nicer so she loves him more. This
is probably crazy, as I am sure she loves me. My parents love me too, I know
that. But, this brings me to another book, “The Five Love Languages.” How do I
know someone loves me? They tell me, they show me physically, they give me
little things; little surprises; small tokens.
Hopefully, it’s true what they say that seeing and admitting
your problems is the first step. Well, first step, here I come. What’s next?
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