So far I have learned that there is spillover in my life.
The stress, anxiety, distrust and anger have stemmed from not getting over the
stuff of the past. No, there was never any cheating but there is many
unresolved pains, many emotional abuse instances (from both of us). I related
this back to my parents too. They are really great, but I was, and still am
rarely told “I love you,” my brother and I were never really pushed to do
anything, I was rarely told that I was good at anything. Resentments fostered
from these things. Now, I am reading on in hopes that I can get over it. In
hopes I can stop the anger, stop the pain before it is too late.
What’s next?
Anthropology
We feel the hurt deeply when we love people the most because
we feel threatened. We can’t survive without these bonds. It is irrational and
we act irrationally sometimes because of it but that is because it happens in
our brains in the part that is still most primitive.
Eggshells
Yup, eggshells. Ever heard the term “walking on eggshells?”
I feel all the time like I am walking on eggshells with my husband, like if I
say or do the wrong thing he will get upset with me and yell at me and I will
then yell at him and then he may make poor choices that damage our marriage. He
has said in the past that he feels like he is walking on eggshells with me as
well. Like if he tells me something I will “blow up,” or I will get too upset.
Unfortunately, this is not the right tactic because this
inevitably makes the problem last longer. This causes more resentment and may
actually delay the realization that there is a problem and what that problem is
(for both parties).
Self Doubt
When the realization hits us, we doubt ourselves. I would
say that this is not always a bad thing. When I realize what pain my husband
has put me through, I also have to listen to him. It is not and cannot be only
about me. I’d have to be an idiot to think that he was the only one to blame
for our problems. So when I see my pain, I look into his pain as well. I see
what he is saying as I strive to work with him to make a better us, to save our
marriage. I listen to his complaints about me and try to examine myself to see
if there is any truth to them. Here is what I see:
Was I nice enough? No, there were many times I was overly
mean in our lives. To him, to our daughter.
Was I supportive and attentive enough? No. I didn’t ask him
about what he was doing in his career. I didn’t support his dreams as much. I
didn’t praise him for the good things, I was upset that I wasn’t a part of
them. I was upset that other women were. When he said he got into conferences,
my main concern was if we could all go or not because I didn’t want him to go
by himself not “wow, that’s great!”
Was I working on us enough? No. I did go to therapy on my
own, but had two sessions and haven’t tried hard enough to get back to my
therapist to get a date where I could still go after work. Did I get a couple’s
therapist? No, I gave up when he hurt me again and I felt that he wasn’t
working hard enough. Instead I armed myself with a lawyer and signed papers to
petition for divorce. Did I try to handle my own stress better? Nope. I was
caught up in what he wasn’t doing too much to try to “clean up my own side of
the street.”
Anger
The self-doubt, the pain, it all gives way to intense anger.
I feel angry. I feel that I am powerless and I lash out. I lash out more
feeling not listened to. Back to anthropology for a minute. The anger I feel is
biological, it is the temporary numbness to help overcome the pain and the
threat to our lives. This anger eases my pain, my powerlessness and my doubt. I
don’t know about my husband but knowing him, I could assume the same.
Drowning the Pain
Not that drowning pain is bad, but sometimes people drink to
drown out the anger, the self-doubt, the pain, sometimes people yell. One of
our issues in our marriage is that sometimes we cover emotions, to cope with
things. I do understand why this happens. I have always understood this. I have
also understood that although one of us is not to blame for “provoking” the
other to do things, like yell or call names, the other does have an influence.
Things that relieve the pain are addictive and we associate pain with what
helps to relieve it. The problem is that sometimes when we use something to
relieve pain (anger, alcohol, etc.) we gain power but then in the aftermath
many times we drop further into pain and depression after it is over. The cycle
then continues. When we tend to chronically resent others and get angry, it
eats us alive, it eats up all the good and there is a loss of joy.
The Loss of Joy
I have experienced the loss of joy. My job is stressing me
out, my marriage is stressing me out. I am angry and resentful most of the
time. I am not nice to my husband, I am not nice to my daughter. It is not a
good place to be.
How do I get out of this?
No comments:
Post a Comment