So far I have learned that there is spillover in my life.
The stress, anxiety, distrust and anger have stemmed from not getting over the
stuff of the past. I also learned that this is biological, there is nothing I
can do about some of it because it is partly just innate to become angry when
you feel your life and family are being threatened. I found out that walking on
eggshells is a normal way to cope but not the right way to cope. We also
realize things and begin to self-doubt. This has been good for me actually
because it allows me to see my part
in all of our marital problems. This all causes anger and lashing out and coping
incorrectly and in the end results in the loss of joy.
Now, I am reading on in hopes that I can get over it. In
hopes I can stop the anger, stop the pain before it is too late.
Loss of value
It is not the loss of power that causes the pain, that only
causes the anger, but the loss of value. Defensive reactions are what is normal
but instead one should actually do what makes them more loveable.
After feeling betrayed in some way, the reaction that is
normal is the anger and being reactive. It can get into your head and start
redefining who you are.
New habits
New habits have to replace these habits of anger and lashing
out and reactivity. This is normal because our brains memorize things and
connect things together. The author of the book I am reading discusses how a
rape victim can see a shadow and be engulfed in fear, or how if an ex cheated
on you, seeing a special look in your new lover’s face evokes jealousy and fear
that it is happening again. Your brain naturally perceives threat and acts accordingly.
The key is to act more like who you really are than how you
feel. Thinking about things over and over again will truly make the change
occur. Practicing it will make the changes occur as well.
Rethinking and reframing
So the author of the book I am reading suggest rethinking
how you are and how you act. For example, stating that you are a certain way,
like “I am kind.” And then stating what you can do to show that kindness.
Keeping a log for two weeks is the suggestion to show how you hold up to what
you do to show your values.
The real me
It is hard to say who the real me is. If I look back at my
good traits, maybe I can see a glimpse.
I am responsible, so what will I do to show I am? I will do
my duties every day without getting out of them just because I feel like it.
How can I do that in my daily life? I will get up every day for work, get my
daughter up and get her ready for school, get her to school, go to work, work,
come home and get my daughter from school, cook dinner for us, help her with
her homework and get her to bed.
I am actually kind and caring. I will seek to understand the
needs of others and show compassion and understanding for them and try to help
them. Well, this I sort of do every day in my job, as I work in human services.
But I don’t think I do it enough at home. What I do at home is more or less see
what people need as what they want and see it as an inconvenience to me. Maybe
that is because I don’t feel like my needs are met. Maybe that though is
because I don’t share them fully and communicate them.
I suppose that’s a good start in trying to see who I am? I
will keep working on my list of who I am and how to make sure I am acting like
it in my daily life!
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