Betrayal and Recovery

Betrayal is different things to different people.

Some people see betrayal as cheating. Others see it as lies. Still others, like myself see it as those things but also as any form of doing something against others that goes against their trust, something that may cause a psychological or moral conflict between people.

So how do we recover from betrayal that is so deep that we can’t seem to let go? I am still trying to answer that question. I decided to seek some guidance on the topic. Not only am I picking up my book again Living and Loving After Betrayal, but I found a post on Huffington Post’s website that I felt might help me. 

The article lists 13 suggestions on how to "recover" from being betrayed.

The first, I am familiar with, meditation. I wrote my thesis on meditation. I know how to meditate, I know why to meditate, I just don't do it. I don't know why I don't. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just do it. I know the positive things that will come if I do, if nothing else, I will get a few minutes to myself, to just be inside of my own head.

The second is to forgive. This I have a hard time with. Even when I don't try to hold a grudge, I do. Even when I try to forgive, it is really hard for me. I feel like I don't get forgiven. I feel like people are out to get me. I feel like people just walk on me when I forgive them, like they just keep doing things to me and don't care that I hurt. But, I am really trying to make this one easier for myself and make it happen. I am trying to just let go and forgive.

The next is to throw it away. The article suggests to actually write it down and throw it out. This one I find hard too. I love to write my feelings down, I write here in the blog, I write in a diary, and many times I email or text my friends and it is therapeutic. I just have a hard time "throwing it away."

Fourth, the suggestion is to start back slow. I do this, I really do. When someone "betrays" me, I find it hard to trust again. With my spouse, when I feel betrayed, lied to, let down, I find it hard to even hug him normally for days. Mind you, he has never cheated on me, to my knowledge, nor do I think he has, so when I do speak of his betrayal, it is not that.

Find others who have faith is the next step. That I do as well. I seek others who I know have the same issues with their loved ones as I do. I seek advice and a shoulder. They are usually very willing to talk to me about it.

Regain faith in yourself is next. That one, I find hard too. I never seem to have faith in myself. I doubt myself. I put on a good face as this "strong" woman, but deep down I really think of myself as less. I am hard on myself and I set goals that I back out on and then get even harder on myself.

Detach from people you don't trust is the seventh step. This is a hard one too. When it is a spouse or parent it gets real tricky here. I have a child, how can I detach from my spouse? What kind of fight will I need to put up to protect our child the best way possible? Do I think she is in any direct physical danger? Certainly not! But how do I make this easy for her? It is going to be very taxing on me and I don't know that I can be a good mom all the time, especially with added stress of that.

Don't betray. That one is easy. Although I am not always the best wife, mother, friend, etc., I certainly don't betray others. I certainly try to do my best to behave in a way I would like to be treated, to love in a way I want to be love. I expect respect and I give it when I get it. I give it even when I don't. I guess though this can be interpreted differently, I know my spouse would say I don't respect him but he respects me; however, I think just the opposite.

Number nine, envision a future free of betrayal....well, I sure do that enough. I love my spouse, I really do, but there are many days where I have imagined what it would be like to be single again. Not the dating part, not the single and ready to mingle part; but the hard stuff, the being a parent alone thing, the doing everything thing. And you know what? I know I can do it. I do already for the most part. With my husband working teaching a couple online classes, taking PhD classes and having a full time job, I do it all and I rarely complain. I put our main dish for dinner in the crockpot before I leave our house, I take our child to school in the morning and pay for the before school daycare program, I go to work, I pick our child up from the after school daycare program, I get our child ready for bed, I read to her before bed, I do her homework with her, I clean on the weekends, I do the laundry on weekends, I run everyone wherever they need to go or want to go on weekends, I load the dishwasher daily, I do all the grocery shopping on the weekends, and I never ask him for a bit of help with any of it. He does put our child to bed because she asks him to, but many nights he complains about it or he gives me a hard time about being on time because of his heartburn or because he is angry and doesn't want to right that minute. He does brush his teeth with our child as well, but sometimes that is an argument as well because he doesn't want to do it at that time or he wants to do it earlier than she is ready for because she is still eating her snack. He does make "sides" for dinner, but he complains about that saying he "makes dinner" when he gets home so he doesn't have time to start on his papers or work out, and usually the sides consist of microwave veggies or mac and cheese. He does however, complain when the housework isn't done even though he doesn't do a lick of it and he tends to want to go, go, go on the weekends leaving me very little time to even be home to do it (other than after dinner when I have worked all day and then pick up the dinner dishes, load them in the dishwasher, clean the crockpot so it will be ready for the next day, then have a few minutes to sit before I have to nag the child to get her room picked up, pajamas on, and pick a snack because it is time for homework and brushing of teeth before bed).

The tenth step is controlling emotions. I have a hard time with that. I do see the practicality, however, if you can think logically about how you are feeling, you can make the best decisions, come to terms with them and move forward with confidence.

Take a leap of faith. That one is hard for me too. I am always doubting myself and my decisions.

Trust two people unconditionally. Trusting that two people will always tell you the truth and lead you in the right direction. I think I do, but it is hard to realize if they are always leading me in the right direction or if they are telling me what I want to hear, that I am right, that I am the one who is doing the right thing.

Finally, reaffirm your faith each day. That one is hard for me too. I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life and forget.

I will try these steps. I need to love again. I need to move on from betrayal.

For the full article, please follow this link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/14-steps-to-recover-from-_b_5660057.html

More Pinterest Overnight Oatmeal

I made this recipe last night:
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 TBS flax seed meal
1/2 tsp vanilla
Pinch of salt
1 TBS maple syrup
1 cup vanilla almond milk
1 TBS cocoa powder
1 TBS chocolate chips
2 TBS peanut butter


I was in the mood for no bake cookies and I made some. But I also felt like I wanted something else. So I made some chocolate overnight oatmeal.

For this recipe, I altered the following recipe:
http://www.livingfreelyglutenfree.com/2016/09/chocolate-overnight-oats-gluten-free.html

I did not have chai so I added the flax seed instead. I also used vanilla almond milk instead of non-dairy milk and added chocolate chips.

In the morning, I tasted the oatmeal and it was good but I wanted something more, so I chose to add peanut butter as well. Finally, I achieved the deliciousness I really was craving.

Pinterest Overnight Peanut Butter and Chocolate Oatmeal

I sometimes crave Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I think it's because I need more protein in my diet. They say that when you crave something, it is because it has something that your body needs in it and you just crave something you like that has that thing in it. Unless you are pregnant, then although that is still WHY you crave something but it doesn't matter if you like it or not...

Anyhow, I decided to make a chocolate peanut butter overnight oatmeal. Being the 4th of July, I had the day off yesterday from work and my kiddo helped me take photos of what I was doing for you.

First I found the recipe that I wanted to use. Again trying to search for something with very few ingredients and ones that I had on hand. This is the one I chose: https://www.letseatcake.com/peanut-butter-chocolate-overnight-oats

The only substitution I made was that I did not use milk but used vanilla almond milk instead.

I found it odd that the title was Peanut Butter and Chocolate Overnight Oatmeal but there was not any cocoa in it only chocolate chips. 

The finished product this morning was good but it needed something more chocolatey. Much to my prediction, it tasted mostly of peanut butter. So I added some chocolate syrup. The texture was also quite mushy so I added a tiny bit more vanilla almond milk as well. 

 This was not as yummy as a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup would have been but it was sure a great breakfast and a much healthier one too! I will definitely try this one again! 

Chocolate Strawberry Overnight Oatmeal Attempt

I decided that I wanted to have a quick overnight oatmeal recipe, many of them that I had seen that looked amazing were 10 minutes prep. Although that too is rather quick, I wanted just a few ingredients and still yummy taste.

For my next adventure I tried a strawberry chocolate recipe: http://rachlmansfield.com/dark-chocolate-strawberry-overnight-oats/

For this recipe I used semi-sweet and since strawberries worked better in my measuring cup at a smaller size, I cut them smaller than the photo on the recipe shows. I also didn't have chia seeds but I used ground flax seed instead. 

 I didn't particularly like it much on first bite. I wanted something sweeter, so I prettied it up a tad.

I still don't like it much but it is edible. I think it's because I do not really like chunks of fruit in my food. I never really liked chunky yogurt and tend to eat around the fruit chunks. I also don't like the overnight fruit taste. I think it gets slimy and has a strange texture.

I realize not everyone has the same tastes as me, I am a picky eater after all. But maybe my blogging about my experiences will be something for others to look at. Although oats are inexpensive and the ingredients in most recipes are as well, it is still not good to waste food when you make it and you don't like it. So, if I can let others with similar tastes know what I felt, maybe I can save someone a few dollars and some time. Maybe someone else has other ideas to doctor these up a bit too!

Overnight Oatmeal Pomegranate Chocolate Chip

Again last night I decided I would try overnight oatmeal. This time I chose pomegranate and chocolate. I found this recipe on Pinterest: https://ohmyveggies.com/recipe-cocoa-nib-pomegranate-overnight-oats/

I decided to improvise somewhat. My jar was a bit tiny so I couldn't fit the whole 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds in. 

I also prefer the taste of chocolate to just about anything so I added the whole amount then a tad more. I didn't have any dark chocolate or cocoa nibs so I used mini semi-sweet chocolate chips instead. 

I ended up putting it into a dish that I could stir better in and take to work with me in case I didn't eat it all at one sitting. 

Overall, I liked it but it just wasn't for me. I don't think I will make this one again. the pomegranate was too much. 

Pinterest Overnight Oatmeal

While getting coffee at work one morning, a coworker had a jar of overnight oatmeal that looked like a no bake cookie. Loving no bake cookies, I asked what it was. She told me and rattled off her recipe (of course, I didn't have a pen and she isn't someone I see every day since I work at a large office). I decided last night to make some. I found the recipe online and pinned it to Pinterest (where all of my awesome ideas get placed and I never look at them again). The only improvisation I made was instead of unsweetened almond milk, I added unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Here is the recipe I used:

http://shrinkingkitchen.com/no-bake-cookie-overnight-fridge-oatmeal/

It turned out good, although not what I was expecting. I added a tiny bit more almond milk because I was planning to microwave it and wanted a good base that wouldn't just harden up and it looked like it was kind of sticky and dry. I also added a bit of sugar this morning after stirring and finding it tasting a bit bitter. I decided I was going to eat it cold (which, by the time I had stirred it and added sugar and stirred some more it was more room temperature) since the glass bell jar I used was still cold and I didn't know what it would do in the microwave if heated up.

Things I Learned From The Gilmore Girls

Season 1: Episode 1: The Pilot

1.  Lukes has the best coffee in town.
2.  Lip-gloss cures everything.
3. Give a girl coffee and she thinks you are an angel.
4. Lipgloss that has a smell/taste is the best.
5. We still cant figure out what is so fun about fun about sitting in the cold for 2 hours with a bundle of sticks up your butt.
6. Get creepy guys to stop hitting on you by telling them you are 16. (Well, it was the truth, Lorelai’s daughter Rory was 16, and Lorelai was the one who said it, but still…the guys took off right then!)
7.  A harp weighs 200 pounds.
8. Harmonica players are nice….nicer than harp players.
9. Telling a handy man that they already repaired something can possibly get you a freebie fix!
10. Koreans never joke about future doctors.
11. Cool girls ARE curious about everyone.
12.  Muffins with no dairy, no sugar, no wheat have to be soaked in tea to make them soft enough to bite but they are very healthy.
13. Boys don’t like funny girls.
14. Muffins made from sprouted wheat are only good for 24 hours.
15. Protestants love oatmeal.
16. The people at the unemployment agency are “really nice to talk to.”
17. A long plaid skirt makes you look smart.
18. The colors don’t go at your parent’s house!
19. Desperation for money makes people do things they never thought they would do.
20. Women can name their children after themselves too.
21.  It’s cliché to read Moby Dick as your first Melville.
22.  Watching someone every day doesn’t mean you are watching them in a creepy way!
23.  Red meat can kill you.
24. If you’re going to throw your life away for a guy, he’d better have a motorcycle.
25.  You don’t get knocked up at 16 being indifferent to guys.
26.  5’7” is tall. It’s freakish. Someone of that height should be studied at MIT.
27. An education is the most important thing in the world, next to family and pie.
28. By not getting married at 16, when pregnant you can keep your bright future.
29. You stop being a child the minute the strip turns pink.
30. Can’t let a perfectly good plaid skirt go to waste.
31.  Coffee and chili fries are quite a refined palate.
32. The bank likes collars.
33. Baths have healing powers.