Betrayal and Recovery

Betrayal is different things to different people.

Some people see betrayal as cheating. Others see it as lies. Still others, like myself see it as those things but also as any form of doing something against others that goes against their trust, something that may cause a psychological or moral conflict between people.

So how do we recover from betrayal that is so deep that we can’t seem to let go? I am still trying to answer that question. I decided to seek some guidance on the topic. Not only am I picking up my book again Living and Loving After Betrayal, but I found a post on Huffington Post’s website that I felt might help me. 

The article lists 13 suggestions on how to "recover" from being betrayed.

The first, I am familiar with, meditation. I wrote my thesis on meditation. I know how to meditate, I know why to meditate, I just don't do it. I don't know why I don't. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just do it. I know the positive things that will come if I do, if nothing else, I will get a few minutes to myself, to just be inside of my own head.

The second is to forgive. This I have a hard time with. Even when I don't try to hold a grudge, I do. Even when I try to forgive, it is really hard for me. I feel like I don't get forgiven. I feel like people are out to get me. I feel like people just walk on me when I forgive them, like they just keep doing things to me and don't care that I hurt. But, I am really trying to make this one easier for myself and make it happen. I am trying to just let go and forgive.

The next is to throw it away. The article suggests to actually write it down and throw it out. This one I find hard too. I love to write my feelings down, I write here in the blog, I write in a diary, and many times I email or text my friends and it is therapeutic. I just have a hard time "throwing it away."

Fourth, the suggestion is to start back slow. I do this, I really do. When someone "betrays" me, I find it hard to trust again. With my spouse, when I feel betrayed, lied to, let down, I find it hard to even hug him normally for days. Mind you, he has never cheated on me, to my knowledge, nor do I think he has, so when I do speak of his betrayal, it is not that.

Find others who have faith is the next step. That I do as well. I seek others who I know have the same issues with their loved ones as I do. I seek advice and a shoulder. They are usually very willing to talk to me about it.

Regain faith in yourself is next. That one, I find hard too. I never seem to have faith in myself. I doubt myself. I put on a good face as this "strong" woman, but deep down I really think of myself as less. I am hard on myself and I set goals that I back out on and then get even harder on myself.

Detach from people you don't trust is the seventh step. This is a hard one too. When it is a spouse or parent it gets real tricky here. I have a child, how can I detach from my spouse? What kind of fight will I need to put up to protect our child the best way possible? Do I think she is in any direct physical danger? Certainly not! But how do I make this easy for her? It is going to be very taxing on me and I don't know that I can be a good mom all the time, especially with added stress of that.

Don't betray. That one is easy. Although I am not always the best wife, mother, friend, etc., I certainly don't betray others. I certainly try to do my best to behave in a way I would like to be treated, to love in a way I want to be love. I expect respect and I give it when I get it. I give it even when I don't. I guess though this can be interpreted differently, I know my spouse would say I don't respect him but he respects me; however, I think just the opposite.

Number nine, envision a future free of betrayal....well, I sure do that enough. I love my spouse, I really do, but there are many days where I have imagined what it would be like to be single again. Not the dating part, not the single and ready to mingle part; but the hard stuff, the being a parent alone thing, the doing everything thing. And you know what? I know I can do it. I do already for the most part. With my husband working teaching a couple online classes, taking PhD classes and having a full time job, I do it all and I rarely complain. I put our main dish for dinner in the crockpot before I leave our house, I take our child to school in the morning and pay for the before school daycare program, I go to work, I pick our child up from the after school daycare program, I get our child ready for bed, I read to her before bed, I do her homework with her, I clean on the weekends, I do the laundry on weekends, I run everyone wherever they need to go or want to go on weekends, I load the dishwasher daily, I do all the grocery shopping on the weekends, and I never ask him for a bit of help with any of it. He does put our child to bed because she asks him to, but many nights he complains about it or he gives me a hard time about being on time because of his heartburn or because he is angry and doesn't want to right that minute. He does brush his teeth with our child as well, but sometimes that is an argument as well because he doesn't want to do it at that time or he wants to do it earlier than she is ready for because she is still eating her snack. He does make "sides" for dinner, but he complains about that saying he "makes dinner" when he gets home so he doesn't have time to start on his papers or work out, and usually the sides consist of microwave veggies or mac and cheese. He does however, complain when the housework isn't done even though he doesn't do a lick of it and he tends to want to go, go, go on the weekends leaving me very little time to even be home to do it (other than after dinner when I have worked all day and then pick up the dinner dishes, load them in the dishwasher, clean the crockpot so it will be ready for the next day, then have a few minutes to sit before I have to nag the child to get her room picked up, pajamas on, and pick a snack because it is time for homework and brushing of teeth before bed).

The tenth step is controlling emotions. I have a hard time with that. I do see the practicality, however, if you can think logically about how you are feeling, you can make the best decisions, come to terms with them and move forward with confidence.

Take a leap of faith. That one is hard for me too. I am always doubting myself and my decisions.

Trust two people unconditionally. Trusting that two people will always tell you the truth and lead you in the right direction. I think I do, but it is hard to realize if they are always leading me in the right direction or if they are telling me what I want to hear, that I am right, that I am the one who is doing the right thing.

Finally, reaffirm your faith each day. That one is hard for me too. I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life and forget.

I will try these steps. I need to love again. I need to move on from betrayal.

For the full article, please follow this link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/14-steps-to-recover-from-_b_5660057.html